Content advisory: Contains references to childhood sexual abuse and fear.
As I lay here in the dark, I only know the fan is moving because I feel the wind on my body. I can hear the blades hitting all the air in the room. I only wish I heard that every time I went to bed, not to hear other things. Sometimes I'd cover my ears; then I'd cover my eyes thinking no one would hear me, no one would see me. I only know I would hold my eyes open all night for every moment I could before I would fall asleep. I was afraid if I slept he would come into my room. The moment was just a bit after I gave in to sleep. I only awoke because of a cold hand under my covers that became warm from the heat that my small body would be stolen from. As the chill came over me I only wished it was a nightmare, as it was every night before. I would hold my foot down so strong hoping I could hold down my soft blanket from being pulled off me, as he touches me with his scratchy hands. I’m still hoping that maybe I would be saved by a demon in other nightmares, you know the one that comes from under the bed or out of the closet. I know it’s just a dream of mine to be saved by the monster that is less scary than the one that opens the door when I’m in the bathtub. At least the monsters in the dark don’t cover my mouth with their hands to make me not breathe. They don’t keep me from making a noise to alert the unhearing people in my own house. I'll go to the closet; I'll go to the monster under my bed; it’s less scary than being touched by my own blood… I'll hide, but he'll always find my beating heart; he'll find the small amount of breath that is keeping me alive.
Content advisory: Contains references to sexual exploitation, fear, and violence.
As I run through the world at a random pace, I wonder why people stand and look at my frame of beauty. I keep hiding but the bus keeps up with my stride. I try to move and they always catch my hide. As I lay in the tall grass, I try to hide but I hear the engine next to me. It runs so fast that it scares me to no breath. They don’t stop hunting my fragile state of myself. I only give up for the camera cause I know I am not able to outrun the problem of my life. I try to hide in the long grass that covers my place in this life, the one that is warranted by the hunters as they smell my young; they want me as they sniff me out in the areas of this dirty city. They dream of beds with me spread perfectly. You know the ones of sexual touching. I know this now. They always come for me. I’m wondering now if I can get back in the tall grass and maybe I won't be eaten by all of the hunters; I only want to be killed by anything else before I have to be touched by the ugly lion. I know they have watched me as I was born, only to stalk me in my small innocent stature. Maybe I should have stopped smelling yummy; maybe I could have died at birth…
Has anyone ever loved me? Have I only been a mute issue? Have I only brainwashed myself to think I was loved? Did I only love myself? Have you ever looked into the mirror and said you’re pretty or you’re cute? I was just meant to be me. Do you believe yourself? Maybe I was the only one that could convince myself that I was. That I was what? I always made excuses that I was something better than nothing. I feel alone in a world of other loved people. Have you ever been a piece of sand in a sea of pebbles? There is no way for anyone to find you… I always wished I was formed into a sand dollar so maybe the water would wash me up on the beach and someone would pick me up. If it was just for a moment I would feel the touch of a care. I guess that maybe I was meant to be just me, the small piece of sand that mixes with the water, the salt, and then just disappears. I always wish I was the fish that was caught on a hook; at least I would be seen. I'm gasping for air cause there’s no more water. I wish I was the smallest piece of sand. I’m actually here but no one sees me… Have you ever been loved?
Tosh Ford · August 1, 2018 · Loneliness & belonging
Content advisory: Contains themes of childhood neglect and loneliness.
I sit alone on the street. I sit alone in my life as I was 1. I don’t have the father that can put forth a ball as the smile doesn’t come on my face, and I don’t catch the ball. It bounces on the grass that’s not greener as the other side. I don’t have the mother that doesn’t stroke my hair when I’m not crying over spilt milk that doesn’t leave liquid on the chair spilling to the floor. I lay alone in the dark waiting for the light to appear, but it won’t. I walk around and hold the hand of someone I don’t know, and they don’t look at me and say, “What are you doing!” The hand is ripped away and I’m pushed down. I sit alone on the street. I’m sad, but I don’t cry the tears that fall from my eyes… The tears don’t wet my shirt. The street is nice as it leads me places that have trees and paths that give me a smile. I don’t look back at the life I didn’t have…
The leaves blow in the wind. I hear them rub leaves of green and some brown. I know that they drop slowly across the ground that is waiting to be a shadow from the sun. Water is formed beneath the leaves that are lit by the sun. I feel like I hide under a leaf so I can’t be seen by anyone; it’s very dark under here. I move from underneath because I have to keep living in a world that encumbrances what everyone thinks is normal living. It’s the thoughts in my mind that let me move forward so I can become. Life is what we decide we want to be a part of; it’s the light we live in, not the shadows underneath. It’s the place that we live in. I see the leaves fall and know that I don’t have to be trapped under the darkness of every fallen one. I move forward in this life that can be shaded by sadness. I am the brightest part of the sun as I walk forward to the light.
I always wondered if you were there for me, in a sea of me with nothing but dolphins. The dolphins underneath that hold me above the water cause they know I need to breathe. As they pull me across the water, I see all of the worldly things that make me unlikeable. I actually see through the water that is me drowning in an ocean of water. I know that now I am part of the other world. I try to swim to the top and I realize I’m breathing inside the water. I never knew that I could be a part of this place of love. Todd, hear me and from into the water. Breathe under the water, and trust me. Don’t hold your breath; you will be with me and become part of my new world. Breathe in the water, and you will have the breath you need to live… It’s where we dove under and thought we had to come up for air, but we’re breathing in water. It’s so beautiful when the dolphins hold you under knowing that they can give you a place under the sea. They want us in this amazing world. The one I want us to live in. Away from everything, away from all the bad people. My best world is here. No hurt, no touch, NO hit…
The day I met you, I knew that you were the one. We loved, Oh, and how we loved. You’re the missing part of my heart. You are certainly what I needed in my life. I only dreamed of a man that could put a perfect smile on my face. I wondered if you would love me enough, and you did. I’m a much better man because of you. The first time you cried to me, I melted; I knew you cared. The touch of your skin makes me wish that I could touch it again. I now know that you’re the beginning and the last day of my life. I love you. I love you. The day I met you, I knew you were the one. Remember the kiss we first had; it changed my life… I’m here for you, forevermore. The first kiss we ever had was free and easy, as the background disappeared. You’re my concrete, you’re my bed of feathers, you’re my love of a lifetime. I miss you every day…
I feel like I’m covered in dirt. I feel that I cannot breathe. I feel like I’m a flower that is short of the earth, the water, and the sun. It’s the dirt that won’t allow me to flower. I’m certainly covered in the darkness of my life. I’m so lost in this darkness that I can’t scream. As I feel for the top of ground, I scratch with my fingers but my nails start to bleed in the dirt covering me. Trying to get to the top, I wonder if I’ll only got shoveled over. As I breathe for the first time, I see that the person I loved has covered me in a shovel of dirt. I don’t breathe; I act as if I am dead. I’m in a cold hole of the hope that I can survive. I hold my breath to the point of breathing in dirt till I hear his feet walk over my grave, that is what he thinks is my dead body. I can’t hear anything now. I scratch myself to the top of dry dirt, then I realize that I’m breathing in regular air. I feel the dirt dropping from my body as I rise from what was my grave. As I run, I realize I’m alive and trying to hide from all the dark shadows that have always followed me in this life. This is my dream that keeps me under its own spell. I know now that maybe I was born again from the dirt that I felt in my dream… I’m alive. I’m good. The sun and the water has now made me the most beautiful flower…
Content advisory: Contains references to childhood trauma and abuse.
It's me trying to know the path that I was supposed to take… I see the pathways that have been walked before; I wonder if that is the one I want to walk down or I should skip over all the mud that has made it on a non walkway. As I trip across the moments in my life, I try to skip over all the quicksand that is in the pathway of a hold of non movement. I realize that I've been held because I'm drowning in a pool of my past lives, and a bit of sand. I'm still in the pool of my drowning ways; it’s where I breathe and know I took myself here but I didn't leave. I didn’t know that your love was the moment that became a place of despair and wonder. Remember our special moment of dad and son? I did, before you touched me as the moon went to the sun. The covers warm my body but the cold pieces touch me as they are disconnected from my place of the jail that I was put in. I know that I am only allowed to be perfect in my cage. It's the cage that you’re allowed to own the key of no other copies…
Tosh Ford · Provisional title · Boundaries & survival
Content advisory: Contains references to childhood sexual abuse.
I know know that the sad comes way behind the happy of my life… I know that I have become here despite all the tragic moments in my small life. I'm just here to be not touched by a person who sneaks me away for his own pleasure. I know that they only want me for my young places that I own. You’re not allowed to touch is what I'm told. Why do you ask me not to tell? As I trust, you only take advantage of me as I'm yours to take. I am here to live and become. I only want to see and look at life as it comes. How do you know that it's okay, as you tell me? How do I understand that your hugs that come with a squeeze are love? I realize now that my naked body said no… You always said that was okay, even that hard thing that rubbed me to pain. No, I won’t touch it; please let me go…
Content advisory: Contains references to abuse and physical violence.
So dirty as my life tries to be. The dirt climbs me as I push down, feeling the mess that touches me in the moment that holds me down in the world that I've lived in, I have known the holder of my existence. I feel the tremors under the room that has been my issue in this place of scare of just new sounds that come from the closet. It's the one that comes from the wall, maybe the floor…sounding out and coming just for me. I now sit and I don't talk. Please stop trying to connect to me. I know now I'm done from your touch of a non moment. As I get punched to the side of my face I sit by the grass by the only pole in an area I realize I’m just me that is nothing but a place on a street of walking… I move as the one comes for me as he always does. You know him. Don't ask me to not be who I am… You don’t win, I am just me from not a place that is where I came from. Just under the place that no one wants to know… I am me as I always was… in
Content advisory: Contains references to childhood sexual abuse and violence.
As I sit in my own life, I realize I'm nothing more than a piece of meat. I've always been that. I wished upon a star that would make me walk across the sky. Am I different to like a place under the clouds? Maybe I'm the sky, but the stars always came back to me to always be. I was always the one that was preyed upon, guess it was my perfect smell. I hid in my own house to not be found from a wolf that would hunger down on me and hunt me down. I would run from him down the hall past all of my life pictures, but I would run only to be trapped in the small under cabinet, I would hide and would not breathe. I would hold the door shut as I'm trembling for the every time and thinking I won't be found. As the door opened, I would gasp and give unto what happened as I knew it before. Why do I always hide in the same place? Maybe I want it, is that why I run to the place when he pushes me against the wall where he smothers my mouth with his big hand to be unheard. I hate that his fat fingers that press me to death. I don't like that my mouth is sewn shut, I want to yell and speak! Why don't I tell! Wonder why I am in the place when he always enters me. Maybe I'm asking for it. How do you find the right safe hiding place… Please help! No, I need you to call for me… Dial. I OPEN MY EYES AND IT’S MY FATHER… FUCK OFF😭
Content advisory: Contains a first-person account of childhood sexual abuse and violence.
I feel cold but I always know he will come to make me warm. It's because he told me that he owns me. He kept me cold only to warm my body that was small for the taking. It was always cause… I'm sure that his hands weren't the warmth that I needed to become sleep worthy. I did like that I felt warm in his hands that caressed all of my body. He would pull off my clothes gently not to get caught for ripping or anything. He knew that no one would know. They’re all asleep as he sneaks into my room. I knew it was devastating to myself of what I might want to say. I was cold. I grasped for the blanket that he pulled off me, as I screamed in silence. I gave in to his warm hands of what I never wanted, but I do feel warm for the moment. I never slept because I felt the warmest part entering me from behind. My eyes would bulge out from the pain of his penis pushing in me as fast as he could. As I cry without any noise. I would scream in silence; the pain of him in me was worth being warm for just a bit. I would just smile; he will think that it's what I want. I know that I'm not going to get beat, or murdered. So I hold by hoping for myself from asking him not to… The warmest part was the tears running down my cheeks across my face. I would only ask for him to not push in harder, but I didn't talk to say anything but silence. I know now it hurts much less when you’re cold, it's kinda like you’re dead. I always wondered if it was just me. Guess I was the chosen, maybe I was to be the one that everyone else is sorry for. The one that they turn to not see… No one ever knew or saw me. I was nothing but the best piece of what he always had, and had, and hurt me. I'm only 5. Is there anyone there…
Tosh Ford · Provisional title · Friendship & isolation
Content advisory: Contains themes of abandonment and imagery of falling through ice.
Yes… I see the lights shining through the midnight sun. It’s not as clear as I want it to be. I see things coming at me and I want to hide where the moon has no shadow. I know that I'm in this life because my mom born me. I'm still as a person of reason the one that knows that I'm only what has brought me here. Why have you not stepped to the place that I need to know that we are still together as friends in a pod of the place that we were before? Are you just done with this smile? Are you just done with my touch of a great friend? I still walk down the path on the frozen water, the one I fell through. No one saved me; they let me fall through the ice. I'm now under, but I breathe and I might be in the world I was meant to be… Walk as you are, I'm still here and I'm living in another world that is always where I wanted to be, it's the place that slows all of our thoughts. It has me because I want to be done with the judgements. If you want me, cut through the ice and find only my sole; it’s still warm…
Content advisory: Contains themes of parental absence and childhood emotional neglect.
I don't even know what my dad looks like; how sad is that? I've seen him as I grew up. I want to see him now that I'm older; it makes me cry that I've lost my sight for him. Have I just put him out of my mind? Have I realized he’s just gone? Was he gone a long time ago when I needed him? Did he ever need me? I threw a ball to my dad today but it only landed on the ground. I thought I saw him catch it and I smiled but it only landed in the unwatered grass and rolled into the only muddied puddle of water. I used to see him in my dreams, but when I blinked it was only a remembrance in my mind. I used to dream and smile then I awoke and realized that I was living a nightmare of hope. I now wake up and realize I'm in a nightmare of happiness. I always wish I had an awake dream of my dad really being there for me. My friends have a dad, just wondering when I had one, why did he never pay attention to me? Hi, my name is Todd, you’re my dad, I'm right here. No, look down, I’m really short… I'm just a kid, I'm your son. I pulled on his pant leg but he never looked down. I wish I knew what he looked like… He walked over me like I was a muddy puddle of water…
Tosh Ford · Working title · Childhood & love to come
Content advisory: Contains themes of childhood loneliness and parental absence.
I sit alone on the street. I sit alone in my life as I was 1. I don’t have the father that can put forth a ball that he doesn’t throw that doesn’t get caught, as the smile doesn’t come on my face, and I don’t catch the ball that doesn’t bounce on the green grass that’s not greener on the other side. I don’t have the mother that doesn’t stroke my hair when I’m not crying over spilt milk that wasn’t spilt and doesn’t leave liquid on the chair not to be spilling on the floor. I lay alone in the dark waiting for the light to not come from the sun that’s not going to appear, as it won’t. I don’t walk around and hold the hand of someone that I met that I don’t know, that will become my husband…
Content advisory: Contains references to coercion, emotional abuse, and survival.
You don't own me; I’m just one of your many toys… I am free. I can do whatever I want. I've been here since you demanded that I was yours. Your problems starts when you look in the mirror. It's always been that; you’re the moment that becomes your own issue. Please walk toward that road with other broken bodies. I'm always here as I was; I'll stand, and you won't touch the tears that covers my face… It's the wet in the wind that wakes me to your devilish place that you come from. I walk on roads that are not allowed to trip me; there's no rocks that move to make me fall as you wanted. I walk through the silk that is mud and dirt, then slide to my own place in this world. It's what I knew was a pure walkway to my life. It's just free here…
Jets, drivers, nannies, and housekeepers—do I have your attention? I was born. I was put into the middle of nonexistence. You can wish for what you think you need. They pay attention cause they’re paid; do they care? Maybe one does; I think I love her. She's not my mom. She's my nanny; her name is Rosario. I'm trying to remember what my mom looks like. I know I've seen her before. She's really pretty. I thought I saw her on TV the other day. It was her; she was on a carpet of red. I was so proud; she told them how much she loved her son. I thought, what a liar; you only have me for the society. I think maybe one day she will be my mom again; one hug would bring me back… I hope to see my nanny soon; she was fired because my mom thought she was too much of a mother to me… It's possible that money can't bring you anything but despair…
